So I’ve being travelling on my merry way trying to be as Zen as possible , holding the holiday feel as tight as I could and not letting anything creep in between me and my new found sense of perspective. It’s been a riot – quite liberating and I have actually felt more relaxed about things than I have in a long time.
There’s been lots of changes at work – you can read about them here. But I am in a good place. I bloody love working with Alana and I have more time than I’ve had in the past few months to devote to my husband and my child and that is my top priority. Bar none. They are my rocks. My always there and my brand new perspective shone a light on that with a force so strong I can’t ignore it (and nor do I want to) .
But today something happened. It wasn’t a huge deal (except in my head which wont stop ruminating) but something managed to sidle in between me and my new BFF, Perspective. Not only did it creep between us – it shoved itself in and wedged itself tight. It obscured my view and after only a few minutes it took my mate perspective with it. And all I had left was that familiar feel of panic, dread and emptiness.
I missed my new found perspective very quickly.
You see I think I have the balance all wrong. Being Zen-like I thought I had to try live in the moment, not project too much of my old stuff and just roll with the punches. Take it in my stride.
I clearly have a lot to learn.
What I did today was to live in the moment to such an extent that I didn’t think about how it was going to make me feel afterwards. Patience is still not my strong point. Proving my point is still too high on my agenda. Old stuff is trying to make me stuck.
So while right now I feel flat and deflated and I just want my perspective to come back and eat Thai take away with me I think that maybe it’s a good thing that I had a little test today.
I was feeling so smug about being all Zen like that a little part of me panicked*. My strong feeling is that once you have learned all you can in life, your time may very well be up. If I had learned patience and perspective – well, my most needed lessons were learned.
I am happy to tell you I think I have a much longer time here than you could possibly imagine.
Onwards, upwards and to Thai take-away.
*Zen panic is quite an art form let me tell you.