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What’s the deal with bacon?

I don’t get bacon.  Maybe it’s because I am a vegetarian, well actually obviously it’s because I am a vegetarian but even so, before I was a vegetarian I never got bacon. Maybe it’s because I am Jewish and technically I wasn’t supposed to eat bacon.. but I did and I still don’t get this fascination with bacon and bacon related products. And there are a LOT of them

I am assuming, for the sake of my sleep tonight and the fact that I need to pretend that everything is wonderful in a very Pollyanna way, that all this bacon and bacon related flavouring (if it actually contains any real meat) is bred from free range pigs that play in the mud and loll about in fields of mush.  There got that sorted – but can anyone explain this obsession with pig related products?  Seriously take a look at some of the er, delicious bacon products a simple Google search rendered and tell me WHAT IS THE FASCINATION WITH BACON?

Let me set the mood with a scented candle – bacon flavoured of course


And then we’ll start with a little bacon lip balm, because if you want your lips to be soft and plump but also greasy and meaty there’s this


But what if that bacon scent of your lips isn’t truly masking your breath – could it be that you didn’t brush with this?


and you clearly didn’t floss with this


Never mind – just pop one of these in your mouth and you’re sweet, er I mean savoury


Okay that’s ridiculous – bacon is mean to be eaten not sucked – so there’s popcorn

bacon popcorn

Popcorn a bit hideous? Try this lolly


Not sweet enough? How about some icing?


Or why not just squeeze the taste all over everything – with this er, bacon in a tube

bacon squeeze

If for any reason you are worried that you did not start your child on bacon early enough please keep this in mind should you ever decide to have another baby


Because it’s better than this method. Okay maybe it’s not


Seriously, I could go on for ages but I am going to leave you with some bacon sunscreen

bacon sunscreen

while you sit outside and smell the roses (bacon of course)



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My huge communication problem

I have a major communication problem which is clearly a big issue for someone who works in communication.

I am fine on text, not brilliant because I prefer a keyboard with a bit more, how you say – size. I am great on email and because I am rather er, organised I am pretty good at returning emails as well as actually starting a conversation happening electronically.  I use Facebook with a relentless ardour, I don’t manage to go to long without checking Twitter and every time anything happens (like I eat or my dog moves) I snap it on Instgram.  I can chat away on Skype for literally hours IF I am using the messenger function but the call part is where my whole communication breakdown occurs.

I positively hate phoning people (except you know if you are my husband*, my son or anyone in my VERY immediate family)

HW-i-double-hate-the-damned-phoneThis loathing of the phone is not a huge issue in 2013 and for that I am very lucky – I can “talk” via any form of electronic media and get my point across, keep in contact and you know – get on with stuff. And if I analyse it really thoroughly, which of course I am doing for the purposes of research for this post, it’s not the actual call I don’t like as much as instigating the call.

I loathe phoning people, especially people with whom I have no previous connection and you’d be surprised at how often this actually happens.  Here are just some of the things I have big problems with

  • Making an appointment at the hairdresser
  • Booking a table for dinner
  • Making an appointment for a doctor I have never seen before
  • Calling a shop to find out if they have something in stock (actually I shouldn’t include this because I never do it – would rather go there and find out in person)
  • Phoning someone I don’t know very well who’s called me and left me a message to call them back (which is what I have to do right now which is the main reason for me writing this post

The one thing that I try to do to alleviate my anxiety at making the call is to Google the person that I am trying to call. If they don’t look intimidating I feel a little easier – this never works for hairdressers.

Put it this way, if I was employed as a cold caller I would be fired during the first hour when I sat doodling nervously on a paper pad while waiting for the courage to pick up the phone.  In fact I have a very “impressive” doodling collection sitting on the table in my own study. If you look through the doodles very carefully you will see the word “hello” written a billion times – clearly I am urging myself to start somewhere.

I am not quite sure why I am so nervous of the phone I just know that if I keep typing and typing I can put off making the calls I am supposed to make this morning.

* there are caveats to this – when he is on the way home from work and I am doing a bazillion things at home and I call to find out what time he is coming home and he just wants to chat to while away the time in the traffic then I definitely hate phoning him.


Filed under My Life

The things I can’t explain

ImageEvery day is Mother’s Day.  No special date is going to negate the fact that dishes need to be washed, meals need to be cooked and people and dogs  need to be nagged.

I feel very lucky that this Mother’s Day I was forced to get out of bed to make scones – it’s part of being a mother that I adore – feeding my family with high carbohydrate meals that my son will ignore, my dog will scoff and my husband and I will complain about because we’ve eaten too much. And I feel lucky that on Mother’s Day I get to cook for my own mother and my mother-in-law. Interestingly there is not a tad of irony in that sentence. I really do feel lucky that I have my mother and mother-in-law as part of my life. And I feel even luckier that I am a mother to the most beautiful child in the world and the most magnificent dog.

But today I am not focusing on my mother, or my mother-in-law, or even the child I brought into this world 12 years ago, today I am writing as the mother of a dog. My dog , Henry, who is sick and refusing to eat, my dog who has been sick since Wednesday and two visits to the vet, countless drugs and he’s not getting any better. I am beside myself with worry.

I cried at the vet when they told me he needed to have an anaesthetic tomorrow so they can take a look inside and see what is causing him to be so sick.  I cried with worry for him and with the great intensity of love that I feel for him. I also nearly cried because the vet is about the same age as my son….

The weekend that we bought Henry home I was going to look for a new shirt – I had a job interview scheduled for the next week and I wanted to wear something new. – possibly because I had been at home with my son for 5 years j eans and a t-shirt weren’t going to cut it for an interview.  We came home with a beautiful pink shirt which was too small for me and the smallest, cutest, most beautiful puppy in the whole world. Not even sure how that happened but I know that my husband falls in love hard and he’s very impulsive.

When I went for the job interview they asked me what would be the hardest part of returning to the workforce after being at home with my child for so long. I am nothing if not honest – “leaving my puppy” I said. “I am not sure if I can do it so I may be wasting your time here” and with that I walked out and ran home to cuddle Henry.

Now Henry is seven and he is the most beautiful member of our family. Literally.  He is the salve our family needs when we are irritable, the stress relief we cling to when things aren’t easy, he’s the faithful companion when we need someone there, he’s the best play mate when we’re feeling energetic, he’s the most loyal and loving being I know.

I know I sound positively nutty to be talking about him like this on Mother’s Day but I am his mother and I’m finding it so hard. I am the kind of mother that explains things – that tells stories, that prepares and dissects, I am an explainer and a comforter.  And I can’t explain to him that tomorrow I am leaving him alone at the vet for his own good.  In a cage!

It’s moments like this that I actually appreciate the constant questioning from the child that speaks…



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A desperate bid for sympathy

Let me tell you about my week in a bid to get some sympathy out of you…


Monday my husband came down with man flu – not the serious kind of flu that keeps you away from work and in bed, but the type that makes you whinge and moan and demand sympathy.  Much like this man

So I endured a few days of patting his head and saying “poor poor bunny” and I was almost out of the woods when he started complaining AGAIN. He hadn’t slept at all, he told me, because he sensed that the dog was uncomfortable.  Bear with me.

The dog is spectacularly spoiled and we are both very in tune with how he is feeling. Except at night when I am sleeping and only in tune with holding on to my pillow. But apparently the dog had been unsettled and, according to my husband, staring at the front door.

When I got up in the morning and saw that the dog had vomited in the playroom I wondered a) why my husband had managed to sleep through that and b) why when he was staring at the front door my husband hadn’t opened it and let the dog be sick outside where I would not have had to done gloves, a mask and a month’s worth of paper towel to clean up.

So the dog had to be taken to the vet (at another $300 visit) and I had to go have root canal on my tooth although these two events are not at all linked. And my appointment cost double what the vet charged…

At this point I will remind you that my son and I had walked to school on Tuesday (that’s 5km up my sleeve), got to school at 7am on Wednesday and Thursday for training and although I am immensely proud that he made the school cross country team and the soccer team it meant that he had trained so hard that on Thursday afternoon he more or less fell in a heap.

So today I am nursing a sick dog, a shattered and exhausted son and a very grumpy husband (although the husband is not lying on the couch like the rest of us).

But the good news is I get to spend all weekend cooking and preparing for Mother’s Day on Sunday. 


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Baby tries to say flamingo. That’s all you really need to know before you laugh at this….

Sometimes I am very immature – so immature that I laugh uproariously at videos like this

mostly because it reminds me of videos like this

Which makes me laugh Every. Single. Time


Filed under Funny

The post I put off writing

*takes deep breath before posting*

I’ve never spoken about my anxiety online. It’s a choice I’ve made about what I share.

I choose what I want to put out there and by talking about my anxiety here I am not choosing to open up the extent of my mental health issues – firstly because you don’t have 100 hours to read about them and secondly because I don’t really feel comfortable going there. Sufficeth it to say, just like many hundreds of thousands of people, they are there.

The issues I have had with depression and anxiety have formed a huge part of who I am and for a long and awful time they were all that I was.  Still not going into it here… BUT I have watched so many braver people than I speak about their struggles and today in particular I feel encouraged to share with you some of what my anxiety is like.

I remember with such clarity walking into a party more than 20 years ago with the most incredible pain in my arm. My breathing was shallow and I was quite sure that it was that night I was going to die. Sure of it – there was no way someone could feel as bad as I felt, have the pain that I had, the pounding heart and the inability to swallow let alone breathe and just walk away.  I could picture the commotion I would cause when the ambulance would have to come and collect me and I wondered if I would ever be able to face any of these people again IF I lived. I wondered who of them would come to my funeral and who of them would talk about me with hushed tones and averted eyes.

Turns out I didn’t die that night, it also wasn’t the last time I felt like that.

Also turns out that my hypochondria isn’t part of some complicated Munchhausen’s syndrome. Sometimes I get symptoms that make me believe I am really unwell – fatally so and it’s just anxiety.  I’ve been through all the therapy. Really – all of it and more. Still feeling the stigma EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I SHOULDN’T.

Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried. It often happens without reason, it feels like it can’t be controlled, it doesn’t simply pass – it makes life harder.

Today I went with my very close friend (and author of The Little Book of Anxiety), Kerri Sackville to the launch of Beyond Blue’s new Anxiety Awareness campaign (she’s helping them to launch the campaign).

This clip says more than I can – it describes almost exactly how I feel when I get panicked or anxious. It also reminds me that I am not my anxiety. It’s brilliant.

Maybe it describes you? Maybe it describes someone you know?

According to Beyond Blue “In any one year, around 2 million Australian adults have anxiety.” Maybe you should pass this video on to them…

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, even though it’s sometimes not easy to write about.

If you need help please contact your GP or Beyond Blue


Filed under My Life