Happy Birthday Little Pencil. You are killing me

Today is Little Pencil’s birthday. He is 9 and I think that there is nothing that 9 year old boys like more than their birthdays, so naturally today is a huge day for him.  Huge.  But for me, it is even bigger.

For him it is huge because he gets showered with gifts, he can eat cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner and he gets spoiled more than on any other day (believe me this takes super-human effort on my behalf – particularly hard to spoil the spoiled)

For me it is huge because my baby is 9. Nine.  I can’t believe I made nine years of motherhood and some of the people that I knew before then still speak to me.  Given that I have had MANY episodes of complete and utter meltdown since becoming a parent and I have gone from a reasonably rational corporate girl to a blithering wreck of a neurotic mother, this comes as something of a surprise to me.

Nine years ago today I began my mothering journey as a petrified mess.  Little has changed.  Nine years ago I had reason to be afraid.  I was the size of a baobab tree, filled with water and dangerously high protein levels.  My baby was being delivered by emergency caesarean ten weeks early and in, what would become my typical neurotic fashion, I thought we were both going to die.

I often still think I am going to die.  But, as my baby has grown into a boy these feelings of impending death have changed.

When I did not sleep for a year after Little Pencil’s birth, I thought I was going to die.  I was not being dramatic or anything, it was just that I thought it was humanly impossible to carry on living if you didn’t  sleep at all.  I was happy to prove that this theory is indeed wrong.   I did not sleep but I lived.  Grumpily, but I lived

When Little Pencil had various illnesses and even surgeries I thought I was going to die.  From holding my breath and wishing so hard that it wasn’t happening.  There can be fewer worse feelings in the world than watching your child go under anaesthetic .  Or watching your child have a lumbar puncture, or blood tests or, a barium swallow or even just seeing your child sick with a high temperature.  And vomiting?  When my child vomited I really wanted to die.

When Little Pencil started child care at the age of three I thought I was going to die from heart break.  I was am an over attached mother.  Leaving Little Pencil in the care of other people for the first time was a horrendous experience.  I can still picture his huge, brown eyes following me in amazement as I walked out the door. I can still recall that lump that grew in my throat as I struggled not to cry in front of him.  I can still picture my friend’s shoulder as I sobbed onto it. I can still feel that tight hug we exchanged on my return to pick him up.

Now quite often I get the feeling that I am going to die.  I watch my child and I see the gorgeous, confident, self assured and independent boy he is despite the over-loving neuroses of both his parents and I am filled with pride and love.  Full to the point that I think I may explode.

There is no word for that feeling that fills your heart when you watch your child excel at something.  My child excels at living and my heart is constantly filled.

So, it turns out that maybe those experiences did kill me because having a son like mine is like being in heaven.

You can read more about my baby’s journey on his very own blog at www.thesmallestpencil.blogspot.com


Filed under Little Pencil

17 responses to “Happy Birthday Little Pencil. You are killing me

  1. I’ve just found you on KidSpot and just love this blog entry. Simply gorgeous. You write so beautifully. I think I’m a fan already – oh, and I’ll be back. xx

  2. beautiful post. Happy happy birthday to the Little Pencil. And well done to you for making it this far.

  3. Third-man

    I just read your blog post and I am fighting to hold back the tears (I mean this literally). It is beautiful and you write beautifully.

    You and little pencil should be very proud of yourselves. I can’t wait to see what happens over the next nine years…

  4. Happy birthday for yesterday to the smallest pencil! He is shortly going to be little no longer! He is getting so big! Thanks sharpie for sharing ur life, ur son with us! He is all too cute! I hope and pray for u and he as he gets older that u enjoy each of lifes little adventures along the way together and revel in each day as it comes!! XXXXXXX

  5. Masgist Driller

    Thanks for sharing…very touching. Little pencil is sharper for having parents like you. Even though your husband sounds a bit like a dull pencil…I kid I kid.

  6. Happy Birthday to your not-so-little-pencil anymore SharpestP. Hope he had a fab day today.XO

  7. That was lovely Sharpie. How lucky you both are to have each other. xxx

  8. OMG. You made me cry! And this time it doesn’t seem to be only because of sleep deprivation or hormones.

  9. This is a beautiful post- I loved learning more about TLP. May he continue to grow and thrive and excel and break your heart with love.

  10. Happy Birthday to Little Pencil, we might just have to start calling him Mid-Size Pencil soon :) xx

  11. Happy Birthday Little Pencil:)
    Wow you both had such a rough start. Enjoy the day – you both deserve all the blessings that come your way.

  12. I am so glad you didn’t die and lived to tell the tale…because I love reading about it!
    Happy birthday LP!!! :)

  13. I love this post. I wish I could have written it. It’s EXACTLY how I feel about my little clan. Happy Birthday little pencil!

  14. Happy Birthday Little Pencil! Cake for breakfast? Expect that vomiting to return….

  15. AJ

    Happy Birthday Little Pencil!

    Hope he has a fantastic birthday, Lana. I see you’re tweeting about a cake (making me hungry!). May you experience the joys of the last 9 years again over the next 9 xx

  16. Angela

    Awww he is a very lucky Little Pencil to have such a devoted Mum.
    Happy Birthday little man. Revel in your day and eat lots of cake. xx

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