“Good” morning, let’s go to school

Mornings in my house are a nightmare.

I  start every morning with new resolve.  I will not fight with Little Pencil, I will not nag him, I will not chastise him, I will not even hurry him. Every morning it is like some part of me believes that he will have been visited by the Fairy of Responsibility in his sleep, that he will wake up in his 9 year old body but with the responsibility and resolve of a grown man who is eager to get to school work.

As soon as the TV is switched on I know that the Fairy hasn’t visited.  The fairy would have taken away his desire to imbibe violence before school.  Or at least s/he would have hidden the remote control.

I start well.

5 minutes after breakfast is served

Me:      Please eat up angel

Him:    Uh

5 minutes later

Me:      Angel, your cereal is turning to cement, please eat it

Him:    I am *sounding quite indignant*

3 minutes later

Me:      It is really important that you have food in your stomach when you go to school please concentrate on finishing your breakfast and then put on your uniform.

Him:    uh

2 minutes later

Him:    I don’t like this cereal, it’s all soggy

Me:      It wasn’t soggy when I gave it to you 15 minutes ago *blood pressure rises*. Would you like a sandwich?

Him:    Can I have nutella?

Me:      No

Him:    I’m not hungry

Me:      You HAVE to eat breakfast I don’t care if you are not hungry

Him:    I’m only hungry for nutella

Me:      Okay I’ll give you nutella WITH peanut butter (somehow I think the goodness of peanuts eradicates the evil of chocolate for breakfast)

Him:    Can you cut the toast into 16 squares?

Me:      No

Him:    I like squares

Me:      I have to get dressed, make school lunch, clean the kitchen, get ready for work and walk the dog, I don’t have time to cut 16 bloody squares for breakfast!

Him:    *has tuned out*

10 minutes later

Me:      Please get dressed

Him:    I am dressed

Me:      I mean get dressed in SCHOOL UNIFORM.  Wearing pyjamas is not the same as being dressed

Him:    *starts practising some martial arts form in the air*

Me:      PLEASE we are going to be late

Him:    *cartwheels*

6 minutes later

Me:      Can you go brush your teeth?

Him:    Did you know that D’s got a new DS game and the main guy has this really cool hair style and you just press A and left trigger and he morphs into this really awesome dude and then you press X and he kicks and Y and he punches and when you press them together ……..


Him:    Okay, and then when you press the A key while holding shift he does a double forward triple somersault that looks like ….


Him:    Can I get that game on my birthday?

ME:      You can go to the dentist on your birthday.  Now brush your teeth

Him:    So can I?  I really want it

Me:      I’m going to school without you

Him:    *starts to panic* no mum, I’m sorry

Me:      Stop saying you are sorry and brush your teeth

Him:    But I am sorry mum. Really. I’ll brush my teeth now . Can I still get the game?

It’s usually at this point that I start to question whether he has any empathy at all.  He certainly doesn’t have clean teeth.

And then when we finally get to school and see the other mums holding huge chunks of their own hair in their hands, their eyes puffy, rimmed with tears and smudged with their futile attempts at make up, I realise I am not alone.

And I console myself – after all we only have another 9  years of this…………


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20 responses to ““Good” morning, let’s go to school

  1. Am I’m thinking I can avoid this by…? Nope. I’m not going to, am I?

  2. And what’s wrong with Nutella for breakfast???

  3. Ahhh – so much to look forward to…..not!

  4. Annieb25

    This was the same in my home when the boys were young. I made a rule that when I was ready to go they had to get in the car in whatever they have on. We did get in the car in pyjamas one day but i came back after we drove down the road a little bit. He was quite good after that.

    High school was way worse. At least you can get them out of bed in primary school. They just don’t get out of bed in High School. We were late every other day.

    I was never tough enough to ban TV permanently – I would try and then give in again. I’m a bit of a mumfail with those things.

  5. So it’s definitely NOT just me then…phew! ;)

  6. Twitchy (not a morning person)

    I’ve just sent this on to my husband so that he may appreciate we are not alone. My guess is he’ll be utterly astonished at the symmetry of detail, esp. going on about the Nintendo DS when he’s supposed to be putting uniform on!!! Darling Husband is currently Commanding Officer of our son’s school-morning run since our sleepless 3 y.o. girl arrived, (as we both know I’d have run away from home long before now otherwise), oh, and for the morning coffee he makes. It’s all about survival, friends.

  7. Yeah, we do the no TV in the morning fullbloodystop thing here. We have done since the eldest was 2. No TV, ever, before lunch. I have made a total of 3 exceptions in 5 years to this rule (all due to gastro). I added in no computer time too after the school-aged kid (who’s usually up first, breakfasted first, and dressed first) started sitting down to photoshop some pic into surrealist art and then became all surly postmodernist when urged to GET YOUR SHOES ON OH MY GOD HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU.

    I must say I have never regretted it – while our mornings can be a bit fraught I am absolutely *certain* they would make me unhinged if I was competing with visual media for the kids’ attention. Most of the time we manage to be on time without even any shouting, so that’s gotta be good.

  8. Brilliant! One of my three offspring is a slowcoach too. The rule in our house is that there in no tv until everyone has passed “morning inspection.” Which usually means it doesn’t get switched on because of slow pace of said offspring. Isn’t the school run the most invigorating addition to our daily routine? all the adrenalin rushing through and everything! (sense the sarcasm)

  9. ginger

    My two boys do this every morning too. I turn from a calm, loving mum into a screaming banshee within about an hour. And this is AFTER I banned tv during the week… it was much worse before. Then, just every now and then, my 7yo will get up, make me a cup of tea, eat his brekky, get dressed, brush his teeth and just play quietly before we leave for school (never happens with my 5yo). It gives me hope.

  10. Ha, my 10yo daughter, I swear to god, gets dressed in slow mo. Have just taken action of “Not dressed for school, no tv”. Actuall a lot of people tell me they don’t even let their kids have the tv on in the morning. It’s either that or listen to a three way on-going argument.

    Although being dressed before tv, means dressed before breakfast and often means food down uniform. Grrr. Cannot win.

    Loved it. x

  11. ROFL.
    I have no hair left. none. Pulled the last chunks out this morning.

    Thank God this is a universal thing.

  12. Third-man

    Absolutely hilarious! My son is EXACTLY the same.

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